…Sometimes disables herself!

Truth is, disability can sometimes get more difficult over time.

People think that once you’ve been disabled for a while you get used to it. Well, only sort of. To be honest, some of it actually gets more difficult as time goes on.

You see initially I was super-duper positive, looking on the bright side of life and being the all-singing, all-dancing, superwoman that everyone knows and loves. I could do anything and everything. Nothing was too great for me. Pollyanna was my middle name.

Then I came down to Earth, not so much with a bump but a big fat splat. Since that time I’ve pottered along in life, and found my place in the world a bit more. Now I have children, though, the dynamics have changed and I’m all too aware of everything that people say and do around me. My boys are still little, but I worry about becoming an embarrassing parent – it gives me sleepless nights at times. I hope my children won’t cringe when they introduce me to their friends. I worry they might be the subject of bullying because of me – I know it happens.

Suddenly I’m conscious of how inaccessible so many places still are, when you’re in a wheelchair and have small children in tow. Even if I’d wanted to go, I couldn’t have got into the church where my son had his carol concert last year. It’s all still a bit awkward if I have to pop into school for something. What do teachers and parents think? Should I say something? “Oh don’t worry about me, I had a bit of a bad back after falling down the stairs/being run over by a speeding car/being attacked in the street/falling 10 stories/a deep sea diving tragedy/a ballooning accident/ a medical mishap…”

I’m super self-conscious among the other parents – worried that they might be feeling uncomfortable.

I know this sounds amazing to anyone who knows me, as I generally give the impression of being “person most likely to…” – only I’m not. It took me ages to pluck up enough courage to go to the school door to collect my son. When we had his birthday party a few weeks ago I felt like I was the most glaringly obvious thing in the world, as if I had a big boil on my nose. Oh, almost forget; it’s actually a wheelchair!

I can overcome this. I know it’s silly, but in my head I pretend I’m playing a part, just like I did in all those school plays – deep breath, then enter stage right and straight into the first speech! It’s a good technique; it’s served me well over the years and, even though I’m still very nervous, I manage to get through another public outing. Like everything, I know in my heart this feeling will pass, that’ll get better with time.