Most disabled people have experienced discrimination — whether we name it or not. It could be a blunt rejection, a daily microaggression, or something harder to pin down, like being excluded from an opportunity because of assumptions about what we can’t do. Discrimination shows up in many forms but here’s a simple way to spot it: if you have to jump through extra hoops just to access what non-disabled people take for granted, you’ve probably been discriminated against.

And yet, we’re constantly asked: Have you ever experienced discrimination? Did you report it? How did it make you feel? Would you do anything differently next time?

Honestly… I’m tired of it.

These questions centre the problem on us — our reaction, our emotions, our choices. It’s a way of individualising a systemic issue. It implies that discrimination is a one-off incident, and that if we didn’t report it or ‘deal with it properly,’ then we’ve somehow failed. It completely misses the point.

Instead of asking disabled people to rehash painful experiences and reflect on what we could have done differently, maybe start asking: Why is ableism still quietly embedded in so many workplace cultures? What did the organisation do when the discrimination was raised? Why does the burden of proof fall on the person harmed? What systems were in place to protect the employee, rather than the employer?

Discrimination isn’t a moment. It’s often the culmination of years of being excluded, undermined, patronised or spoken over. It’s inaccessible systems, policies that weren’t designed with us in mind, and colleagues who look the other way. Being asked to re-live that, often in a setting where no change is guaranteed, isn’t just tiring, it can be retraumatising.

Even the process of reporting discrimination can make things worse. The hoops you have to jump through just to get it acknowledged, let alone taken seriously, often replicate the very barriers you’re trying to challenge. It adds insult to injury.

And let’s talk about bystanders. If you saw this happening to someone else, would you speak up, or stay quiet out of fear that the hostility would be turned on you? Too often, fear of backlash or being labelled as ‘difficult’ leads people to remain silent. That silence enables discrimination to continue.

We need to stop putting disabled people on trial for how we respond to being mistreated. Our job is not to absorb harm gracefully. Our job is not to educate people mid-crisis. Our job is not to make others comfortable with our oppression.

Discrimination isn’t a personal failure. It’s a social and organisational one.

So, stop asking us if we’ve experienced it and start asking why it’s still so common, so invisible, and so easily dismissed.

Change the questions. Change the focus. Change the culture.

About Ruben Carol
Ruben is a disability access and inclusion specialist, trainer and facilitator and has had the pleasure of training organisations, including TfL and Uber.He’s also an actor, VO artist, and public speaker. Appearances include Good Omens, His Dark Materials and Doctors.You can find him on Facebook and Instagram @Ruben.Carol.Actor